


Nighttime Disturbance and Business as Usual

by Blue_Sparkle



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Confusion, M/M, atrocious puns, things that should not have been heard, unintentional exhibitionism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-09 22:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3266867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Sparkle/pseuds/Blue_Sparkle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When an unidentifiable noise wakes Bilbo in the middle of the night he is thoroughly confused and Bofur has the time of his life. Atrocious puns ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nighttime Disturbance and Business as Usual

Ever since Bilbo had left the safety and comfort of Bag End, Hobbiton and the Shire itself, he’d not been able to sleep through his usual hours. Usually he went to bed quite early, way after the sun set on the long summer evenings, after a good smoke on his front porch, a nice late night snack and maybe some light reading to busy his mind. He did not wake too early though, sleeping soundly and waking up when the sun was peaking through the gaps between his bedroom curtains (unless he had planting to do. One did not keep up the reputation of having an impeccable little garden without sometimes doing some early work on it). After he had breakfast and another smoke, Elevensies and a walk to the markets or to friends, while planning what else to do with his day.

While traveling with the company though… well, it went against all of his good old customs. They stopped to set up camp when the sun was still high above the horizon to feed the ponies (sensible) and then cook dinner. Which ended up with everyone eating a late dinner without even an afternoon tea, and then going to bed with no supper at all! Bilbo did not like sleeping so soon, and he certainly did not appreciate having to get up while the morning was still grey and cold and dark to have breakfast and travel on. It was hard to sleep through the night, with the uncomfortable ground, the unusual hour, less food in his belly than Bilbo would appreciate, and the noises. Those wretched _noises_!

Who would have thought that nature could be so loud out here, beyond the borders of the Shire? There were animals calling in the woods and insects and the wind and then streams gurgling near by and the less said about the noises his companions made, the better. Noises of thirteen others sleeping was grating on Bilbo’s nerves sometimes, and some of them were snoring and babbling in their sleep. At least Gandalf had the decency to be near soundless apart from the faintest crackle of smoldering pipeweed. 

It was much better than the very first week, where Bilbo barely managed any good sleep at all, and nearly fell off his pony several times the day after (much to the amusement or scorn of the company). By now he was used enough to all of it that he managed some very light sleep without waking up at all, and could actually doze on ponyback without slipping off. Some of the Dwarves did so too, especially after having a shift on watch, and nobody paid it any mind for as long as he did not hold them up with having to pick him up from the ground. It was not perfect, he missed his own sensible sleep schedule, but at least he felt rested in the mornings. 

Still, there were nights when he just could not get a rest even now, or when he woke up and couldn’t even pinpoint why, since the noises bothering him melted into the background mercifully. 

Now too. Bilbo had been dreaming of the lighter forests so close to his home, where he’d run wild in his childhood and thought it was the grandest and most mysterious place in all of Arda. Something had startled him out of it, and it took Bilbo a while to even realize that he was conscious. Everything was blurry and distant, his head and ears felt light as if he’d sunk to the bottom of a nice warm bath. The first thing Bilbo noticed about being awake was how the tips of his ear were twitching just a little, which meant he’d heard something loud or unfamiliar enough to make him wake up.

He blinked a little, wrinkled up his nose and tried to understand. The noises of the company around him were as ever, as was the wind and the rustling of grass and nearby trees, the cracking of some logs in the camp’s fire and the soft neighing of the ponies. So what… 

A... groan? Yes, there it was again, clear in the relative quiet of the night but dulled by the wind. Bilbo opened his eyes and stared up at the stars, frowning and wondering what it might be. He had not heard anything like it before, but then there’s been many sounds of the wild he did not recognize from before... 

_There_! There it was again, now accompanied by a low drawn out whine. 

Bilbo turned under his bedroll, trying to peer into the darkness outside of the campfire. The moon was barely lighting enough too far off between the trees and bushes and clothes to where the cliffs were. Growls and whines carried over to him again, and there was the shuffling of dried leaves and the hint of tiny whispering and a sharp but quiet cry. 

The last time Bilbo had heard such a strange sound it had been Wargs howling in the distance, and Bilbo shuddered at the memory. This though, this sounded different. Unsettling for sure, eerie… There was moan and a wet smacking, and Bilbo propped himself up on his elbows, frowning in real concern. 

What could possible make that noise? It certainly wasn’t coming from where the company was sleeping, and Bilbo had learned to be cautious about unfamiliar noises and things in the night after all of Balin’s tales. Was it far away and of no concern? No, the shuffling and whines Bilbo heard seemed to come from very close by either way, and that could not possibly be a good sign. Should he crawl over to the closest Dwarf and ask for help? Should he risk having a cranky sleepy Dwarf grumble at him being too easily spooked, or should he remain in his blankets and risk being told off for not warning anyone about whatever that was…?

He was saved from having to make a choice by a soft whistle from behind him, and as Bilbo looked he saw Bofur sitting by the fire. He was on watch, looking quite at ease there with his pipe and the block of wood he’d been fiddling with the day before. He bowed his head and gestured for Bilbo to come over to sit by his side.

Bilbo gathered up his blanket around his shoulders and soundlessly got up to walk over to him. It was a little reassuring to see him so calm, as that must mean that the company wasn’t in any danger. Still, the noises were worrying at Bilbo’s mind and he simply could not place their origin or guess what it was. 

“Trouble sleeping again?” Bofur asked, smiling in sympathy. He’d tried to give Bilbo (utterly useless) advice the first few days Bilbo couldn’t sleep on hard ground.

“I was woken…” Bilbo said after clearing his throat from sleepy hoarseness. He gestured back towards the general direction of the noises he’d head. 

Bofur raised his eyebrows and glanced that way. 

“Oh aye, that can be quite… startling when it happens so close to where you sleep.”

“You _know_ what’s going on?”

Bilbo sat by his side and stretched his feet towards the warmth of the fire. He had not heard anything while walking closer but now there it was again, a cut-off whine and the dull bang of something heavy hitting the forest ground. 

The look Bofur gave Bilbo was a strange one, all glittering eyes and too wide grin. It looked entirely too much like Bilbo’s Tookish cousins when they were just about to play some prank.

“Of course I do!”

“What is it then? For the life of me, I can’t tell. I’m sure I’ve not heard it before.”

Bofur smirked and put his piece of wood down in his lap.

“If my wanderings through your pretty green Shire hills have taught me anything I’m pretty sure you _have_ heard similar things, Master Baggins. Maybe you’ve been involved yourself too.”

Bilbo frowned, slightly annoyed by the Dwarf skirting around the matter. 

“If you’re going to be vague and make fun you can just drop it.”

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Bofur waved off with his pipe. “That’s nothing to be concerned about. Just Nori and Dwalin having a go at each other behind some bushes.”

“They... what?”

“Sure, they probably didn’t have an opportunity to for ages now, with the company always so close together, and now with the trees and bushes they took the chance.” 

Bilbo glanced back into the darkness. Could it be? He’d been in some smaller goodnatured wranglings when he was younger and he’d seen some other Hobbits doing so. It had sounded nothing like that, but barely anything Dwarves did was comparable to what a Hobbit might do in the same situation. He knew that Dwalin was rather gruff and that Nori quietly teased him mercilessly, but he also knew that Thorin could not possibly tolerate actual fights to break out.

“But why _now_ , in the middle of the night?”

Bofur looked over the sleeping Dwarves, where only ten bedrolls were occupied, as Bilbo noticed now that he paid attention.

“I suspect some urgent matters have arisen and could not be put down otherwise,” Bofur said with a snicker.

There was another soft whine, louder this time and Bilbo frowned at it. 

“Shouldn’t we… I don’t know. Do something about this? Dwalin will surely hurt Nori if they keep doing this.”

“Never fear! Nori’s a slippery fellow, he’ll get off with a few bruises and a funny walk, never anything serious.”

“Are you sure?”

“Oh very! Those two are very mindful of their limits,” Bofur shrugged and took a drag of his pipe to hide the strange grin that just wouldn’t go away. “It’s best to let them get it all out now instead of forcing them apart. Or else they might just decide to go at it in the open field and nobody wants to see _that_.”

That much seemed to be true. Bilbo had never heard such a quiet fight, especially since it did sound as if someone was trying to keep quiet on purpose. Dwarves were strange. So hotheaded and yet so cool in actual fights. 

“Is it common for you Dwarves to be like that? I guess I can see how keeping it away from the company is the nice thing to do, but even so it’s quite loud?”

Bofur nodded, his shoulders shaking slightly.

“Trust me, you learn to ignore these sorts of noises, talk and that. Sleep right through it. Common enough after all, and especially with these two. I’m sure they’re both stiff from all the constant riding they do, so it’s good to get rid of the tension like this-”

Then Bofur choked on the smoke of his pipe and started coughing. He was trying not to laugh, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, both from the effort and the smoke. Bilbo stared at him, watched him wheeze and hit his knee with his fist in between whispered nonsense. He was entirely too amused by this. By his own jokes. By whatever he’d…

“... They are not _fighting_ , are they?” Bilbo asked, quietly, his back stiff, _praying_ that he was mistaken…

“Aye. They’re-” Bofur stifled a giggle. “They’re not doing tha’”

“Oh Eru,” Bilbo groaned and buried his face in his hands. They were not… He’d actually overheard. His cheeks and ear tips were burning hot and he wished he hadn’t cared about finding out, that he wasn’t _still_ hearing those gasps while _knowing_ who it was and what had caused it, and he certainly wished he wasn’t anywhere near Bofur in his mortification either. The things he’d said before only made it worse.

“And they’re just… doing _that_ so close to the camp?! What if somebody hears? It’s not…”

At least the young couples among Hobbits tried to find nice places where nobody would find them, and maybe only notice noises while walking by. Never so close to the entire company sleeping and out in the open!

Bofur calmed down enough to stop with the laughter. 

“Where else would you do it? It’s dangerous to wander too far in most places, and dark and cold. When you wake up and hear funny business going on you just pretend you don’t hear unless it’s getting way too long. Be glad they didn’t decide to do it right there in their bedrolls. You still might witness that.”

“I’d rather not…”

Bofur clapped Bilbo on the shoulder.

“Relax, you might not even wake up the next time. See, it’s really just not knowing what’s going on that woke you. If it happens again you’ll just think; ah, business as usual, and then roll over and dream of cheese or something nice. Usually people are also quieter with this, those two just got out of hand because they’re hiding away from the company-”

Against all odds Bofur’s ramblings actually helped Bilbo feel less distraught, but suddenly it was cut short by a boot flying out of nowhere and hitting the miner right in the back of his head. He let out a soft ‘oof’ and Bilbo recognized Nori’s boot near instantly.

“Will you just sh- - ah _AH_ -shut your DAMN MOUTH ALREADY?”

Nori’s soft moans followed after his outburst, sharper and louder than before and Bilbo could feel his heart freeze at the shame of it all. Bofur snorted and shook his head.

“As if my voice is that distracting.”

Bilbo gave him a dry look, and from the bedrolls several pairs of eyes glared at Bofur as if he was at fault for all of the disturbances of this night. In a way he was, with his voice so much louder than any of Dwalin and Nori’s… activities. 

“I will go and try sleep again,” Bilbo muttered and got up. 

Bofur waved and Bilbo carefully ignored the escalating noises from somewhere behind the bush. He lay down again and pulled the blankets over his head, aggressively imagined that he was back in his own bed, and for once he even managed to fall asleep with the things happening too close by not having an impact at all.

**Author's Note:**

> things I come up with when trying to entertain myself and friends on the trainstation. Enjoy poor Bilbo's mortification


End file.
